The National Park Service Report

          The National Park System has provided the American people with dozens of high-quality locations to enjoy nature. But with a change in focus, the administration is insistent on each facility raising its own funding. Park fees will be increased by 350% while service inside parks will be vastly scaled back. Closure of dining facilities will make the parks a form of BYO entertainment. Visitors will be encouraged to bring rifles to hunt their own food. Clean up and garbage removal will be curtailed, so park guests must adopt the ‘dump in site’ policy of leaving biologic waste, trash and other refuse in place. Visitors will be told to avoid bringing pets to parks as they may be mistaken for food by hungry campers. The National Park Service Director has repeatedly said: “I heard that they’re eating the cats, they’re eating the dogs, they’re eating the pets of people who bring them there.”

          Ranger services will be limited to collection of entry, camping, parking and breathing fees. Rangers will patrol the parks to give speeding tickets to anyone going over the intentionally un-posted 4.5 MPH speed limit. Fines begin at $300 and rapidly escalate to $2000 depending on vehicle length. Loose children will be held in custody until fines are paid in full.

          Endangered species will no longer be endangered. The administration is fully aware that by removing words like "endangered" from official documents, no animal or plant could be considered such. These new policies will remove any prior protections because they promote diversity, equity and inclusion in the environment.