The Emperor’s New Poll

Once upon a time in MAGAland, there lived a Great Man, Donald the Wolf King, who was emperor of MAGAland. The emperor loved to take long, full pressure showers to cleanse his luxuriant hair. He loved gold and had his throne room decorated with this shiny metal in the most gaudy and ostentatious ways. He loved having a new beautiful empress every decade or so to help produce an heir or two for the throne. But most of all, the emperor loved the adulation and love of his people. He required constant praise and flattery or he would descend into a temper tantrum that all MAGAland would regret.

One day, a lowly pollster went out into the crowds of MAGAland and dared to ask the people how they honestly felt about the emperor and his policies. The results were disturbingly horrible, but the lowly pollster decided, in his lack of wisdom, to publish them anyways.

The crones and lackies working for the emperor brushed these polls off as inconsequential and worthless. They told the emperor that these polls belonged to the previous ruler. They told the emperor that other polls showed approval by a vast majority of the people.

But evil-minded reporters seized upon these poll results and confronted a high level lacky. The lacky responded that the lowly pollster should be fired. Then the emperor made polling a crime and arrested the lowly pollster.

A child of ten years was reading the poll results on a cellphone newsfeed. He wondered out loud, “Why, the emperor’s new poll shows that most people believe he is doing a horrible job!”

Suddenly, the door to his home burst open and in rushed six heavily armed uniformed ICE agents. The child and his family were immediately deported.

The Wolf King live happily ever after.

The End.

Trumpty Dumpty

Once upon a time in MAGAland, there lived a Great Man named Trumpty Dumpty who was also the Wolf King of MAGAland. He loved bragging about how great he was. He bragged how he was the only person who could fix all the damage brought about by previous rulers. He even bragged that he could build a wall, though that remained to be seen.

One day, the economy was doing particularly well and the people worshipped and praised their lofty 401k’s. But Trumpty Dumpty felt the people were no longer praising him. He needed to do something. So, he decided to cause economic chaos and release the dragon Tariff from its cage.

But Trumpty Dumpty never expected that the dragon would devour everything in the market and poop on the economy. Being the Great Man that he was, Trumpty Dumpty told his people “There will be pain, but in the end it will all be glorious and beautiful”. The people rejoiced because their wise king knew what was best for them, even if it felt like red-hot pokers being jabbed into their eyes and other orifices.

Soon things became even worse, as the dragon grew larger and larger. Each day it would eat more of the market. Prices rose and incomes fell. The people were upset, so they went to their king. He told them “This is all the fault of the previous ruler.”

The MAGAland people all believed Trumpty Dumpty, for they knew he was wise, cared for his people and never would lie to them. So, they sat in their dilapidated hovels, ate scraps and slop and lived happily ever after.

The End.

The Orange Pinocchio

Once upon a time in MAGAland, there lived a wealthy man named Fredpetto. He was a slum lord and wished to have a real son to follow in his path. One night, he wished upon a star and a lovely lady appeared. “Fredpetto,” she said, “your wish will be granted. That lump of coal over there will be brought to life and become your son. His name is Pinocchio.”

The lady waved a magic wand, and the lump of coal transformed into beautiful white boy child. He moved around like a real boy, but was pale and pasty, closely resembling the Pillsbury Doughboy.

“Pinocchio, you must always tell the truth, or you will turn into an orange,” warned the lovely lady.

The little boy Pinocchio followed Fredpetto about the slums and soon learned all about cheating and corrupt business practices from his father. He learned it was easier to sue someone than to pay them. He learned to stiff his contractors and to apply red-lining just enough to not get caught. He even learned to appreciate how paying taxes is for losers. Fredpetto was proud of his new son, so he treated Pinocchio with all the cruelty and poor parenting he deserved.

Pinocchio grew up and built upon the slum lord empire of Fredpetto. But to do so, he had to lie repeatedly. Soon, he was turning more orange with every passing day. After a few hundred thousand lies, Pinocchio finally became a full-fledged naval orange.

All the people of MAGAland rejoiced. Because orange was their favorite complexion color, they made Pinocchio their Wolf King. Pinocchio ruled the land with an iron fist, sharing all the cruelty and poor leadership he learned from Fredpetto. The people of MAGAland lived happily ever after.

The End.

The Boy Who Cried Vermouth

Once upon time in MAGAland, there lived a shepherd boy named Peter who had a pet fox. Though the fox was famous for altering facts, it was not important. But Peter's affiliation with fox got him his shepherd job. However, fox won’t be mentioned in the rest of the story. This boy had bad habits of drinking too much alcohol, making multiple repeated errors of judgment and saying confusing things to all who would listen.

Every day the boy would go out to the fields to manage his flock of sheep. And every night, he would chat that Vermouth was out there threatening the sheep of MAGAland and here were the plans to defeat it. Because Vermouth was a dangerous creature that threatened all MAGAland sheep, all the armed men in the village would rush in to attack the beast with the plans Peter chatted to them. But not every one in the chat was supposed to be privy to these secret plans. In fact, one such person ran the local newspaper.

Peter did this several times, but each time he had a different excuse and different people were allowed in the chat without permission. When he was asked why this happened, he said that it was a mistake, it would never happen again and that it was the fault of the previous ruler.

One of Peter’s sub-shepherds was blamed for the whole mess and was removed from tending to the flock. Later, the Wolf King offered him an amazing political appointment with tons of perks.

And Peter lived happily ever after.

The End.

The Little Red Ham

Once upon a time in MAGAland, there was a little red ham named Donald, also called the Wolf King. Whenever he did anything bad, like not lowering egg prices, he would be the first one to blame somebody else. The little red ham discovered that so many bad things he did were now coming home to roost. One day, he was surrounded by dozens of angry chickens who demanded his response to questions they had.

The first chicken asked “Who crashed the stock market?”

“Not I,” said the little red ham. “It must have been Biden.”

One more chicken asked “Who ramped up inflation?”

“Not I,” said the little red ham. “That also was Biden.”

The next chicken asked “Who fired all those government workers?”

“Not I,” said the little red ham. “It must have been Elon.”

Another chicken asked “Who closed all those health programs?”

“Not I,” said the little red ham. “It must have been Bobby Junior.”

Yet another chicken asked “Who insulted all those foreign dignitaries?”

“Not I,” said the little red ham. “It must have been J.D.!”

Still another chicken asked “Who threatened to take over Canada and Greenland?”

“Not I,” said the little red ham. “It must have been Marco. And you’re a nasty woman.”

The last chicken asked “Who put in all those tariffs?”

“I did,” said the little red ham. “Aren’t they the most beautiful things you ever saw?”

The End.

The Fox and the Gripes

Once upon a time in MAGAland, there was an old fox who liked to think of himself as the smartest fox in the room. He regularly boasted about his knowledge of the Declaration of Independence, calling it a statement of unity, love and respect. Who knew better than him? He claimed to know more about medicine than doctors, more about science than scientists and more about economics than economists. He said he knew more about money matters than the Fed Chair. In fact, he was the self-acknowledged stable genius on every topic known to fox-kind.

His only problem was that he loved to complain. He complained about everything in his home. He complained about everything in his country. He complained about everything in the world. His complaints were non-stop, except when he ate cheeseburgers with ketchup and tweeted messages late at night. In fact, all those midnight rantings consisted of either complaints or orders for more cheeseburgers.

One day, he got up in the morning and made his way to the kitchen for breakfast. On the counter top, there was a bowl of luscious gripes. The fox dearly wanted to eat the gripes for his meal, but could not reach the bowl. So, he jumped as high as he could, but still failed to get to the bowl. He tried to move a chair to the counter, but it was too heavy for him to budge. He tried moving a stool over, but it was wobbly and could not bear his weight. And after many attempts, the fox sulked and walked away.

“Those stupid gripes,” the fox said. “They're just old stale versions of the gripes I had yesterday. I’ll make much better gripes tomorrow.”

The End.

The Bull and The Snake

Once upon a time in MAGAland, there was the largest, grandest Bull in the history of MAGAland, The Bull ate grass and drank water like all other bulls, but he kept growing and growing. The people of MAGAland started making bets as to how big the Bull would eventually become. One day the Bull got so huuuge that all those who invested in his growth were richly rewarded. The Bull was so large that he was able to cross a mighty, dangerous river without even getting his tail wet.

One day a Snake, the most beautiful snake there ever was in all of time, decided it wanted to cross the river. So, the Snake went over to the Bull and said “I made you so big and strong. I will make you even bigger and stronger. All I ask is for you to give me a ride across the river.”

The Bull looked down at the puny Snake, just lying in the dirt, and thought about how the Snake might have venomous fangs that could drive poison into his hide and kill him. He even weighed the idea of stomping on the Snake and killing it instead. But bulls, while big and strong, are not very bright. So, the Bull said “Sure, why not? What can I lose?”

The Snake slithered its way up until it was on the back of the Bull, high above the ground. The Bull started to wade across the deep river until he got half way across. At that point, the Snake bit down into the flesh of the Bull, injecting a lethal dose of deadly fluids. The Bull started to falter and lost his footing, falling into the river. With his dying breath, the Bull asked the Snake “Why did you bite me? Now we will both surely die.”

The Snake dropped off the Bull and into the river. “Stupid Bull. You will die, but I won’t. Didn’t you know snakes can swim?”

The Bull died and was washed away by the river. The Snake lived happily ever after.

The End.

King Mine-Ass and the Golden Touch

Once upon a time in MAGAland, there lived a Great Man who was the Wolf King of MAGAland. He was also called King Mine-Ass because if he wanted anything, he would declare, “That’s Mine, Ass!” And so, King Mine-Ass got everything he ever wanted. He wanted a beautiful wife, so he took three. He wanted a beautiful daughter and got one so lovely he wanted to date her. Well, almost everything he wanted. He decided even he wouldn’t do that. But King Mine-Ass also loved gold. He loved gold more than anything except himself. He spent much of MAGAland’s fortune placing gold items all over his throne room. But still he was not happy.

One day, he found a lucky crypto-coin and made a wish. He wished that everything he touched would be turned into gold. The crypto-coin faded away, but after that his touch was now golden. First, he touched everything in his throne room, turning the place into a gaudy golden exhibit of his wealth. Next, he touched his plastic Visa, turning it into a Golden Visa with a credit limit of $5 million dollars. Then he touched shoes, hats, watches, virtual trading cards, university diplomas, casinos, hotels, records, bibles, guitars and all sorts of other things, making them gold also. He then sold these items for even more gold.

Later, the King of Cutter gave King Mine-Ass a big, beautiful jet plane. It was bigger than any the King already had, so he liked it very much. So much, that he touched the plane and turned it into gold.

“Sire, the plane is now too heavy to fly,” said an advisor.

“Doesn’t matter, it’s Mine-Ass,” said the King. “And you’re fired.”

King Mine-Ass put on gloves, so he could still eat his cheeseburgers with ketchup and not turn food into gold. He then sold these golden gloves to unsuspecting MAGAlanders. He beckoned his daughter to his side and touched her, turning her into gold. “Much better. Now I can worship her and not appear sleazy.”

He beckoned his beautiful, cold as ice, criticizing Queen to his side and touched her too. She became a golden statue, which he displayed in the throne room. “I finally am happy. My beautiful wife is now cold as gold and can no longer criticize me. The best of both worlds.”

And King Mine-Ass lived happily ever after.

The End.

Donald in Blunderland

Once upon a time in MAGAland, there lived a young boy named Donald. He liked to disobey rules because they did not apply to him. One day, he disobeyed his mother and followed a White Supremacist Rabbit down a rabbit hole. He fell and fell for a very long time, but he disobeyed the law of gravity and insisted that he was falling upwards.  After landing in a strange and wonderful place called Blunderland, he noticed a bottle labeled ‘Drink Me’, so he disobeyed his mother’s advice not to drink unknown stuff. His ego grew and grew until it was far larger than the entire room. He then saw a cookie labeled ‘Eat Me’, so he did. His morals, compassion and empathy shrank down to the size of a microscopic amoeba.

He came across a large egg-shaped man sitting on a wall. Humpty-Dumpty told Donald to build his own great big beautiful wall. Donald liked the wall idea so much that he shoved Humpty-Dumpty off the wall just to get a better view. Dumpty broke into many pieces. “Oopsie,” said Donald.

Donald continued his journey and came upon the hookah smoking Brain Worm, perched upon a magic mushroom. The Brain Worm told him that some bad drugs were not so bad, vaccines were dangerous, fluoride kills and food inspectors are unnecessary. The Worm went on to say milk should not be pasteurized and that it’s perfectly safe to swim in sewage filled streams. Donald thought the Worm was very wise and decided to put him in charge of healthcare for everybody. He moved on.

A large fat bird wielding a chainsaw crossed his path. The Doge-O wore a black MAGA hat, so Donald assumed this bird knew what he was doing. And the Doge-O did a lot. He used the saw to cut up trees, animals, people, programs, departments, safety measures and much more. Donald was impressed. “Let me use that!” said Donald as he grabbed the chainsaw. But it was too big and unwieldy for him and he sliced off the Doge-O’s head. “Oopsie.” But the Doge-O continued to chop and dice everything around even without a head.

Donald came across a group of three crazy idiots sitting at a long table set with dozens of tariffs. The leader of them was the Mad Tariff and the others were the Martian Hare and the Doormat. Every few minutes they would stand up and move on to a new tariff. “What is going on?” Donald asked. The Mad Tariff told him they were changing the tariffs whenever one got cold. Some were large and scary and others so small that no one appeared to notice. But the three idiots kept changing the tariffs whenever they felt like it. “Tariff! Such a beautiful word,” said Donald as he walked away.

He then came across the White Supremacist Knight. The Knight told Donald that there were good people on both sides, that the holocaust didn’t happen and that White South Africans were suffering genocide. He told Donald to get rid of left leaning judges and ignore those laws he didn’t like. He then gave Donald a Nazi salute. “That salute felt so right!” exclaimed the boy.

The Red-hatted MAGA Queen sat in her chair slamming a gavel onto a desk. She was screaming ‘lock her up’, and blathered about invading immigrant criminals, space lasers, guns not killing and Jewish plots. She continued screaming and yelling at everyone close enough to be in her range. Donald told her she should run for Congress.

Lastly, Donald saw bleach-blonde, bubble-headed twins named Tweedledumb and Tweedledumber telling all sorts of nasty lies. One claimed she was a lawyer and the other just looked good on TV. They lied and lied and lied. Donald said, “I like you girls, you’re hired. Do you think we can date sometime? No? Just asking…”

Suddenly, Donald’s mother was shaking him awake. “Get up, you lazy child. All you do is sleep, make outrageous claims and not much else.”

“But Mother,” said Donald. “I had a marvelous dream, so real and so full of great ideas. When I’m King of MAGAland, I will put these all into action.”

“God save us all!” cried his mother. And Donald became the Wolf King of MAGAland and lived happily ever after.

The End.