The Environmental Protection Agency News

          The EPA initials will now represent its new designation as the Environmental Pollution Agency. The Secretary will enact new policies that support its revised mission to “lower the price of cars and to promote business growth”. All pollution deterring equipment will be removed from motor vehicles starting with the 2026 model year. Owners of older cars will receive tax credits and incentives to retro-unfit as soon as possible. Foreign vehicles will either have such devices removed at customs or be subject to an additional 200% tariff.

          Most toxic substances will be reclassified as food additives. In addition, all regulations promoting clean air and water will be nullified. The government welcomes the return of acid rain as it is a sign of industrial growth and ‘clean’ coal usage. Allowed particulate matter sizes will be increased 1000-fold. Color standards for clean water will include yellow, green, red, brown, orange and black. Clear and blue will no longer be acceptable.

          States implementing their own ‘clean energy’ projects will be required to place all solar panels where the sun doesn’t shine. Additionally, wind powered generators will hereby face Washington, DC to take full advantage of excess hot air produced by the windbags located there. Other "clean" energy programs will be restricted to using "clean" bituminous coal and crude oil by-products.