Penguinomics Explained

          Due to the importance of applying tariffs universally (with the exception of Russia, of course), the Trump administration has even included Heard and MacDonald Islands near Antarctica inhabited solely by emperor penguins and a whole lot of other birds. While this may seem to be a strange or illogical policy decision, in reality there are very good reasons for this actions.

          In the interest of allowing the Trump Administration explain their tariff policy, it seemed reasonable to DUM officials to allow POTUS to say it all for himself.

The President greeted reporters in the Rose Garden today with this prepared statement: "It has come to my attention that most birds poop. After many years, this poop accumulates on islands and becomes guano. Guano, also known as 'crap', is used by farmers to fertilize their crops. But American have had it up to here with all this foreign crap. I have placed this tariff to encourage our nation to become the biggest maker and exporter of crap in the world. I have already distributed more crap in my administration than during any other in the history of our nation. People have even called me the

'crappiest' president ever, an honorable title I hold with much pride."

Spokesman for the penguins, whom POTUS accused of wearing tuxedos, has made it clear the penguins will be placing tariffs on American made starch. Black formal bow ties are exempt.