Papal Election Rigged, Says Trump

President Donald John Trump has made it perfectly clear to everyone in the Vatican that he is not pleased with the selection of Pope Leo XIV. Even though the new pope is the first American to become the leader of the Roman Catholic Church, Trump was under the impression that he was the leading contender in the race for the Papacy. Trump was under the impression that the College of Cardinals was considering him for the top job. He even posted pictures of himself in papal gowns. “I think that photo would have made it perfectly clear about my goals,” he commented at a recent Rose Garden press conference. “The world needs Pope Donald John I to solve all its problems. I’m the only pope who could do it.”

A reporter noted the vote was final and a new pope was selected. “That report is ‘fake news’, the election was full of fraud. I really won the vote by more than eighty percent. They all love me and wanted me as their new pope. Sad. Now, I need to declare myself pope.”

When asked about him not even being a Catholic, he picked up a Trump Bible and replied “The first pope, Peter, was Jewish. If they could let him in, why not a good Christian like me?”

The reporters continued to barrage Trump with objections to why he couldn’t be pope. “Look, my Veep is Catholic and so were many of the people who voted for me in the last election. If I can be President of the United States, a huuuge nation, I can certainly be Pope of a tiny place in France, or is it Italy?”

The news conference ended when J.D. Vance dropped and broke the papal crown, just as he was about to place it on Trump’s head.

Trump immediately closed the conference “So Sad.”