New Security Measures from Homeland Security, Defense, National Intelligence and the CIA

          Effective immediately, all internal communications on group chats will be limited to invited persons only. However, when it comes to national security, it has been determined that our friends in Russia already know our deepest, most sensitive secrets. To combat the misconception that we are aiding and abetting Russian agendas (which we are), it is necessary to include one to five additional persons without security clearance on each chat. These will be randomly selected from a pool of applicants of unknown qualifications. Russian officials will be given transcripts of all conversations so that they can correct any errors made through their own efforts.

          Top secret information will be placed in cardboard banker boxes (available from big box stores at discount prices). These boxes must be stored in safe, secure locations such as garages, storage units and Presidential bathrooms at Mar-a-Lago. Keeping such files in Washington, DC will only invite bad actors to gain access to them.