English As the Official Language of the United States

In keeping with recent presidential executive orders, all federal communications will now be in English only. Words deemed to be foreign in origin will be replaced by their English equivalent. Espionage will now be called ‘spy stuff’, attachés will be called ‘attached persons’, naïve will be substituted with ‘MAGA’ and sabotage will now be referred to as ‘wooden shoe damage’. The national motto of ‘e pluribus unum’ will be replaced by ‘out of many, one.” The Marine Corps motto of ‘Semper Fidelis’ will be changed to ‘Always Faithful’. Consequently, active duty and former marines will be required to remove their ‘Semper Fi’ tattoos and replace them with the equivalent ‘Always Fai’.

          Place names will also be changed effective immediately. Los Angeles will now be known as The Angels. The Los Angeles Angels will be The Angels of The Angels or TATAs. The General Manger of TATAs was quoted “We are very excited about this name change. This should give TATAs a bump or two. Drooping TATA attendance will benefit from additional fan support.”

          Boca Raton will be Rat Mouth, Baton Rouge will be Red Stick, Florida will be Flowery, Fresno will be Ash Tree, Albuquerque will be White Oak, Chicago will be Skunk, Topeka will be A Good Place to Dig Potatoes, Las Vegas will be The Meadows and Des Moines will be The Road (principally because no one can pronounce it properly). In keeping with other name changes, New Mexico will be now called New America. Philadelphia will not be changed because the term ‘brotherly love’ is against the administration’s anti-LGBTQ policies. Missouri will remain Missouri but will now be spelled Misery.

If you are interested in having your town or community name be reverted to its English equivalent, please contact the Bureau of Official Bureaucracy (BOOB) and speak to the Head BOOB who will implement these changes for you.