Department of Health and Human Services: Health Advisories

          Due to the re-instatement of the ‘don’t mask don’t tell’ policy, visitors returning from abroad with cough or other respiratory symptoms are encouraged to clear their noses and throats by less than sanitary means.

          Immunizations will be limited to those willing to submit a dozen 15-page forms for each separate vaccine component. Future vaccine research will be eliminated as fraud and abuse. Vaccine data will be reviewed by the HHS Secretary and disposed of at his discretion. Anyone still intent on vaccinating their child may receive fines.

          The recommendations for disease control medications will be broadened to include: massive doses of Vitamin A, invermectin, bleach, chloroquine, ultra-violet light, high fructose corn syrup and Scooby Snacks.

          Fluoride will no longer be recommended for children dental care and will be substituted with high fructose corn syrup from our strategic reserves. Babies are reported to prefer this alternative.

          With defunding looming for the CDC, all health decisions will be made by the Secretary of HHS. Perceived biases and refusal to accept scientific data will help the Secretary streamline medical innovations nationwide.

          The phrase “medical studies have concluded that…” will be replaced with the more acceptable phrase “I heard that…”.

          Reports on all future disease outbreaks will be relegated to insignificant news outlets. The President has signed an executive order referring to all such outbreaks as “the China Flu hoax”.