Department of Education News

          The Department of Education has determined that education is dangerous to your child and should be discontinued immediately. The Secretary was quoted as saying: “I heard that public school education turns potentially red-blooded American kids into leftwing radical lunatics.” As part of this new vision, DOGE has assisted the Department in reducing its budget to the point where it can barely keep the lights on in the DC office.

          The Department will no longer supply schools with meals. Breakfasts, lunches and snacks have been determined to be another example of waste and abuse of government funds. The Secretary applauds the commitment of American business to fill the gap. Alternative ‘nutritious’ food products will be offered instead and will include: potato chips, corn chips, gummies, Twinkies, Hohos, donuts, Oreos, Poptarts, cream filled chocolate cupcakes, Takis, high fructose corn syrup sodas and sour candies. The Secretary said “I heard that children all over approve of these highly beneficial products.”

          Pencils, pens, erasers, notebooks and texts will no longer be supplied as these have been deemed wasteful. The Secretary commented “I heard that kids lose their books and sometimes purposefully throw these items away.” School supply lists will no longer be distributed as this is also a waste of precious paper resources and a massive abuse of school administration power.

           Subject matters in school have long been relegated to so-called experts who have produced a left leaning course of education filled with facts opposed by this administration. Dangerous ideas such as tolerance, compassion, empathy and understanding will be summarily rooted out of all education curriculum. Starting immediately, all subject matter taught in schools will be vetted by on site armed monitors. Education shall henceforth be DEI free, in line with government policies, teach appropriate conspiracy theories and have a firm basis in programs developed by administration approved people with no educational training whatsoever. Administration approved programs high lighting just plain ignorance of history, science and culture will be developed for nationwide use.

Teachers will need to be re-educated in order to assure these new education policies will be enforced. Two choices are available. Either the teacher must undergo an intensive six month, unpaid program to learn these policies or may have a prefrontal lobotomy at their soonest convenience. Teacher unions have advocated the lobotomy as it will be less painful and will allow teachers to return to work much sooner.