Constitutional Crisis Averted!

Just as the entire nation (or at least those with any presence of mind) was worried about a crisis of Constitutional Proportions, President Donald J. Trump came up with an ingenious solution. Since the beginning of the Trump 2.0 presidency, it has been clear that most provisions in the Constitution of the United States of America were proving to be a hindrance to proper governance. Principles such as rule of law, separation of powers, separation of church and state, checks and balances, human rights, freedoms and so much more kept getting in the way of efforts to remodel this country in his image.

         President Trump announced at the Oval Office today that his simpler, easier to read and better document will make everyone who knows and loves him happier. Called the Trumpstitution, it will replace the old Constitution which, frankly, has been totally ignored anyways. “People keep telling me, ‘Sir, will you write us a new Constitution? We need you to lead us without any restraints.’ I, their favorite president, am just giving them exactly what they want. This will be the best Constitution in the history of the world. The old one had seven articles, mine has ten. So much better! And a whole lot less words. Much more efficient! It allows me to use my own judgment, the very best judgment, to make every decision the Nation needs. It will allow me the ability to make changes to eliminate waste, fraud, abuse, treaties, allies, trading partners, personal freedoms and more than you can even imagine.”

         The full text of the Trumpstitution will be shown here so that all Americans can marvel at its clarity and efficiency.

Pre-Ramble

I, President Trump, in Order to get rid of Unions, establish my type of Justice, insure domestic Obedience, provide for anything in my Defense, promote my Welfare and that of other Billionaires, get away with any pending Convictions and Liabilities, and secure Blessings of Liberation Day to myself and my Posterity, do ordain and establish this Trumpstitution for The United States of America, the best nation on Earth, that I will make great again.

Article One

I am Trump, your president and rightful ruler by the votes of more people than at any time in the history of this nation. You will ignore all presidents before me and as I will reign forever and ever, you will not need to worry about presidents after me. Nor vote for anyone but me. I alone shall have the power of the executive, so called because I will execute orders, jobs and individuals at my discretion.

Article Two

There will be no limit on the ability and power of the Executive to manage the affairs of the Nation, break treaties, veto bills, run the military, ruin the economy and the environment, ignore and be immune to all laws, tromp down on rights and individuals, cause chaos and instability just because it seemed like a good idea at the time, and to do anything else I the President feel like doing. Anything deemed less important will be shuttled to the States to spend their money on.

Article Three

To give the illusory appearance that the people of the United States have any say in how their government works, there will be two houses of Congress. These will be in place to rubber stamp all the appointees I will suggest and make any law I deem necessary for others, not I, to follow. The first will be the House of Representatives or the Party House (so called because two parties reside there). It shall function at my beck and call because all its members will have sworn loyalty to me and only me. Members shall be elected in voting districts specifically designed to allow the maximum chances that a person loyal to me will win the election. I love winning. Win, win, win! The term of office shall be two years, so I can dispose of any disloyal ones faster.

The second will be The Senate. These guys will have a fancier title. Two will be elected from each state and their term will be six years, although I prefer it to be much shorter. Maybe I can change it in a future revision. Anyways, Senators are allowed to argue a whole lot and not do anything much. I expect these guys might cause a minor headache or two for me, therefore for them to pass a bill into law, they will need the other house to also pass it. This will be nearly impossible, as that house is designed to be completely dysfunctional. This will allow me to make executive orders or decrees to streamline all legal issues.

Article Four

The Supreme Court will be a group of people I recommend, approved by the Congress I control and have the authority to rule on any law or legal issue in the Trumpstitution or any-and-all laws of the land. Their interpretation and rulings will be final and irrefutable and apply to all aspects of this Nation except for the President.

Article Five

All persons employed by this Nation and its government will swear loyalty to the Trumpstitution and to myself, President Trump. I alone will have to power to hire, fire, discipline and reward these employees. They will be required to recite the following Oath of Office prior to taking on their responsibilities.

         “I do solemnly swear (or affirm) that I will support and defend the Trumpstitution of the United States against all enemies, foreign and domestic of the President; that I will bear true faith and allegiance to him and him alone; that I take this obligation because he wants me to do so; and that I will well and faithfully destroy the office on which I am about to enter: God help our Nation.”

Article Six

Any one in the employ or service of the United States will not be allowed to say anything contrary to the policies of myself, their President. Doing so will result in their immediate firing. No one will squeal about anything done by the administration. No one can use any information or data that disagrees with official sources.

Article Seven

For the semblance of Democracy, all people over eighteen years may vote in any election. Voters must be citizens of the United States of America by birth, but only if both their parents are legal citizens. Naturalized citizens can vote, but may be deported if they hold viewpoints opposed to mine. In fact, any citizen or non-citizen could be deported at my whim. As elections for President are merely a formality, the real voting will be for all offices and positions below. Voters are required to cast votes in a carefully monitored polling places with armed police guards with the authority to review and reject any ballot suspected of fraud. Police guards may also suggest voting choices to young, elderly, disabled and minority voters who appear hesitant or take too much time in the polling booth.

Article Eight

States are subservient to the President. They are only allowed to do that which the Federal Government deems as unimportant. They are responsible to procure those funds necessary to provide any amenity the Federal Government chooses for them to accomplish. Other than providing Congressmen and Senators, most affairs and all needs of the various states are irrelevant and can be ignored. Any state wishing to legislate stricter regulations and laws than the Federal Government may do so as-long-as I say they can. Sorry, you loser Blue States.

Article Nine

Changes and amendments to the Trumpstitution can be added anytime I say so. Otherwise, what I say goes.

Article Ten

Fine Print Warnings:

The Trumpstitution contains provisions that may cause: grift, malfeasance, conflict of interest, loss of freedoms, racial and other biases, obstruction of justice, fascist ideology, anti-intellectualism, ignorance, broken promises, disregarding the rule of law, nepotism, misogyny, insanity, bigotry, incompetence, foul language, depression, cronyism, anxiety, exposure to fake news, kleptocracy, hair loss, economic collapse, acne, mendacity, insider trading, conspiracy theory acceptance, decimation of the middle class, Trump Derangement Syndrome, obesity, slurs and insults, constipation, corruption, chronic chaos, double dealing, Pinocchio Syndrome, backstabbing, braggadocio, world wars, tariffs and the overt destruction and death of democracy in the United States of America.

 

Signed:

Donald J. Trump, President for Life and Beyond.