The Trumpfs

Once upon a time in MAGAland, there was a village inhabited by tiny, three inch tall, orange-colored creatures called Trumpfs. The Trumpfs mostly lived in harmony in the forest, eating Trumpfberries and magic mushrooms, getting schnockered on Trumpfberry wine and collecting magic crypto-coins.

The Trumpfs were very practical, and each Trumpf was named after his or her personal attributes. Prominent in the village were: Drunkass Trumpf the soldier, Wackhead Trumpfette the security guard, Airhead Trumpfette the secretary, Pinchass Trumpf the treasurer, Emptyhead Trumpf the merchant, Stupidass Trumpfette the spy, Tightass Trumpf the miser, Dirthead Trumpfette the farmer, Meanass Trumpfette the lawyer, Dullhead Trumpf the power manager, Clumsyhands Trumpf the builder,  Poophead Trumpf the veteran, Firehands Trumpf the forester, Hardhead Trumpfette the worker, Quietass Trumpf the ambassador, Wrecklessass Trumpf the driver, Weirdass Trumpf the health-nut, Cruelass Trumpfette the librarian, Crookedass Trumpf the son of Papa Trumpf, Smartass Trumpf the assistant to their leader, and of course, Papa Trumpf their great and wonderful leader, whose advice and counsel was wise and never, ever wrong. All the Trumpfs loved, worshipped and obeyed Papa Trumpf, doing whatever he asked without a question or complaint.

The Trumpfs spent each day at their job, working hard to fulfill the goals set for them by Papa Trumpf. Each Trumpf was motivated by Papa Trumpf to dispose of the duties to which they were assigned. The most important Trumpfs and Trumpfettes met each morning to discuss what was happening in Trumpfland and what to do next. At this time, each one would advise Papa Trumpf, who in the peak of his efficiency, would yawn and ask them to limit their report to just under a minute.

Things would have continued this way without an incident. However, on one blighted day, Papa Trumpf met the wealthy, evil wizard Gargamusk. At first, Papa Trumpf was concerned that Gargamusk might pose a danger to Trumpfland. But Papa Trumpf saw how very wealthy Gargamusk was and was impressed. At that moment, Papa Trumpf became friends with the wizard. So close were they, that Papa Trumpf allowed Gargamusk access to all the personal information on every Trumpf and Trumpfette.

Though deep inside his dark soul, Gargamusk hated the tiny Trumpfs, he would never admit it out loud. He knew tht would upset Papa Trumpf. Instead, he covertly plotted to destroy Trumpf society and, if possible, eat the little creatures. Or, at the very least, get them to leave his wealthy and profitable ventures alone from Trumpf regulations.

To further his quest for efficiency, Papa Trumpf tasked Gargamusk with removing all waste, fraud and abuse from Trumpfland. By any means he saw fit. This pleased Gargamusk and his pet DOGE, X-real, greatly. With chainsaw in hand, he began a ruthless, nonstop campaign to randomly slice, dice and eliminate most of the services the common place Trumpf depended on. And he did it with a smile on his face, like he was enjoying it.

Soon, many Trumpfs and Trumpfettes became enraged. Oldman Trumpf the senator demanded Papa Trumpf to remove Gargamusk and his DOGE. Whineyface Trumpfette the senator complained about the mess Gargamusk was making with his actions. Loudmouth Trumpfette the senator, called out the cruelty and hypocrisy of Gargamusk. Painintheass Trumpf the senator argued that Gargamusk was out to enrich himself while taking away from the poor. And Sharpnose Trumpf the journalist showed how Gargamusk’s efforts were going to cost way more than what he saved.

Papa Trumpf fumed and became angry at Gargamusk. Not wanting to make a ruckus,  Papa Trumpf quietly asked him to leave Trumpfland forever. Gargamusk did just that. But he also left a few "f" bombs, roadblocks and shambles all over the place. Gargamusk left town even wealthier and more evil a wizard than before. He verbally assaulted Papa Trumpf's Big Beautiful Boogie. But best of all, Gargamusk faced less Trumpfland regulations. By the way, he also absconded with Cuteass Trumpfette, wife of Lyingass Trumpf the advisor.

Gargamusk and his many, many children, lived happily ever after.

The End.

 

The Troompa-Loompas

Once upon a time in MAGAland, there lived a magical candy maker named Dillie Donka. The magical Donka Chocolate Factory produced the most widely consumed candy products in MAGAland. Donka chocolate was world famous, and was the biggest export MAGAland ever had to the other kingdoms of the world. It was truly the finest and best tasting chocolate there ever was.

Everyday, Donka would work at his mysterious factory producing his candies and making MAGAland wealthy in the process. The MAGAlanders loved Donka chocolate so much, that they would gladly pay for any minor increases in its price. Donka made all his marvelous chocolate with the help of the Troompa-Loompas, a group of green haired, orange-skinned dwarf refugees from another kingdom. The Troompa-Loompas were persecuted in their homeland, and Donka helped rescue them from orange genocide.

        “Troompa-Loompa dippity-danks, we owe Dillie Donka all-of our thanks,

          Troompa-Loompa dippity-dee, give us jobs we’ll almost work for free.”

The Troompa-Loompas loved Donka and became the hard workers who produced the chocolate in the factory. They were so thankful to Donka that they would work for him for far less money than a MAGAlander would accept. For many years, the Troompa-Loompas helped make Donka’s candies and chocolates the finest and best priced values in the land.

One day, the great and wonderful King Donald, the Wolf King, decided that chocolate from other kingdoms was taking away business from MAGAland. He said that other kingdoms were taking advantage of MAGAland with their tasteless yet cheaper chocolate bars. This made the Wolf King furious. And we all know that when the Wolf King got furious, he would do something very big and important.

The Wolf King announced that there would a huge tariff on all ingredients used to make chocolate coming from other kingdoms.

        “Troompa-Loompa dippity-dum, what do get when you tax bubble-gum?

          Troompa-Loompa dippity-dord, you get a treat that kids can’t afford.”

Dillie Donka sent a letter to the Wolf King, telling him that cocoa, the main ingredient in his chocolate came from other kingdoms. As MAGAland never produced cocoa, Donka was forced to buy it from foreign sources. This would raise the cost of Donka chocolate far beyond what MAGAlanders were willing to pay. But the Wolf King, in his wisdom, would not back down from the tariffs.

Donka appeared before the Wolf King to argue his case. But the Wolf King would not listen to Donka and got even angrier. He taxed sugar, which Donka sourced from other kingdoms. He taxed butter, which Donka brought into MAGAland. He placed tariffs on all the imported flavorings Donka used in his candies, And he even taxed the high-quality imported ink Donka used to print the labels on his candy bars. Then he removed the tariffs only to replace them days later. And removed them again and replaced them once again.

Donka’s business was in shambles. He was planning on expanding and hiring even more Troompa-Loompas, but he was forced to scale back his plans due to uncertainty. He called the Wolf King to complain again.

The Wolf King got annoyed, deciding to end Donka's pestering once and for all. So he sent his armed men in uniforms to arrest the Troompa-Loompas because he alleged they were illegal aliens. The Troompa-Loompas were deported to Troompa-Loompa Land where they were imprisoned, beaten and slaughtered.

        “Troompa-Loompa dippity-dawn, what can you say when you're dead and gone?

          Troompa-Loompa dippity-dack, once you’re dead you ain’t never coming back.”

With rising costs, falling markets and no more cheap labor, Dillie Donka was forced to close his candy works forever. Children all over MAGAland cried for the candy they no longer had. The price on other brands of candy rose and rose until giving a child a sweet treat could easily bankrupt a working family. They cried out to the Wolf King for help.

The Wolf King said “Just let them eat one or two tiny candy bars instead of the twenty-eight they normally eat!”

And the Wolf King and his armed men in uniforms lived happily ever after.

The End

 

The Tooth Manly Man

by Joni “Funeral” Urnst

Once upon a time in MAGAland, there lived a manly man who collected children’s teeth. He was very manly, so that kind of behavior wasn’t creepy at all. He played manly football in college, watched manly sports on TV, consumed only pre-made manly TV dinners, drank a six-pack of manly beer at each manly meal, wore manly sleeveless tee-shirts and lived in his manly man cave. He had many manly rifles and other guns, took manly trips into the wild with other manly men to shoot many creatures. He had their heads stuffed and mounted on the walls of his manly cave. Very manly. He was so manly, he even entered contests to show off his manliness. Very, very manly.

He was also a very religious man. He believed in the one true religion, as do I, the author of this tale. He believed in eternal damnation not for evil deeds, but for not telling others to accept his religion without conditions or arguments. Very religious. Very manly.

As the Tooth Manly Man, he was charged to gather up all the children’s teeth. He’d place these teeth in sacks, haul them away and then forget about them. He collected millions of bags of teeth over the years, which he stockpiled in an enormous manly cavern inside a mountain. A very manly mountain.

Each night, he would enter thousands of innocent sleeping children’s rooms and reach under the pillow beneath the child’s head to remove a tooth. Very manly. Not creepy in the slightest. He would then place a coin under the pillow. Effectively paying the child for allowing a grown manly man to enter the room without a parent in sight. Very manly. Not creepy. Nothing to fear from a manly man left alone with an innocent child in their bedroom at night. Very manly. Not creepy. Nothing for a parent to worry about. After all, the child was given money by a stranger. It was very good money. Very manly money. Not creepy money. And nothing to be worried about. After all, the Tooth Manly Man was religious. He said so himself. Very religious. Very manly.

The message for parents is obvious: As-long-as someone is manly, religious and has money, parents shouldn’t worry about how he would treat their children. Even if he did harm or mistreat a child, it wouldn’t matter. Because, we are all going to die.

And the manly man lived happily ever after.

The End.