The Three Little Pigs

Once upon a time in MAGAland, there lived three little pigs. As young piglets, they were very close, but as they grew up, they each pursued a different career and lived in different provinces. The first piggy was a leftwing radical lunatic actor who lived in the West Coast Province. He built his lavish and spacious home out of straw on top of a palisade overlooking the ocean. The second piggy was a level headed, no-nonsense farmer who lived in the Deep Red Flyover Province and raised soy and corn. He built his humble and practical home out of good, old-fashioned wood. The third piggy was a wheeler dealer real estate agent who lived in the Coastal Province on the Gulf of America.  He built his solid home out of brownstone brick.

At that time, MAGAland was ruled by King Donald the Wolf. The Wolf King was a Great Man loved by all the inhabitants of MAGAland. But he was obsessed with not spending any of his treasury on the likes of those individuals who could not take care of themselves.

One day, a horrible fire raged in the West Coast Province and burned to the ground the home of the first piggy. He was left destitute and without a thing. The Prince of the West Coast Province asked the Wolf King to help. But he said, “So sad. You did not vote for me so you will get nothing.” The first piggy was forced to move in with the second piggy.

One day, a horrible tornado blew into the Deep Red Flyover Province and tore apart the home of the second piggy. The Princess of the Deep Red Flyover Province asked the Wolf King to help. But he said, “So sad. Your damage is not severe enough to get any help at all.” The first and second piggies were forced to move in with the third piggy.

One day, a horrible hurricane ripped through the Coastal Province on the Gulf of America, flooding and breaking apart the home of the third piggy. The Prince of the Coastal Province on the Gulf of America asked the Wolf King to help. But he said, “So sad. I have dismantled and defunded FEMA, so there is nothing left to help you.” The three piggies were forced to live homeless on the streets and turned to drugs and crime to survive.

The Wolf King lived happily ever after.

The End.

Trumplestiltskin

Once upon a time in MAGAland, there lived a poor young woman who wanted to have a child. She first went to the free non-profit health clinic, but the king had ended support for the clinic because it also provided abortions. She then went to the county health clinic, but her province had outlawed abortions and could no longer afford to give reproductive health care. Lastly, she went to a private physician, but he was unable to provide the needed services at a price she could afford. The woman was sad. But she still had hope and prayers.

The woman hoped and prayed for years, but still was unable to conceive. One day, she found a lucky crypto-coin and picked it up. She wished with all her might. The crypto-coin vaporized in her hands, but then an orange faced old man appeared before her. “I will grant you the wish of your choice, but you must do two things.”

She pondered for a short while, but then relented. “I agree. What are the two things I need to do?”

“First,” the old man grinned. “You must spin for me a golden thread from a pile of straw.”

“That is impossible.” The woman cried. “But what is the second thing?”

“You must surrender your new child to me once it is born.”

“But I want my baby,” she said. “How can I avoid giving it to you?”

“I will give you three chances to guess my name. If you do, you may keep the baby.”

So, the woman worried and worried about how to spin gold from straw. But she found a second crypto-coin on the floor of her meager dwelling. She wished for a way to spin gold. The coin vaporized and there appeared a magic spinning wheel. She then spun a lot of gold from the straw. As she did this, she suddenly found herself pregnant with child.

The first night, the old man returned and demanded the gold.

“Is your name Donald?” she asked and felt the baby kicking inside her.

“Nope.” He took the gold and laughed. On the way out he sang “The stupid girl will make gold for me. For I am known as Dee Jay Tea.”

The second night, he returned and demanded the gold.

“Is your name John?” she asked and felt labor pains beginning. Later that night, she delivered a beautiful baby girl.

“Nope.” He took the gold and laughed. On the way out he sang “The stupid girl will make gold for me. For I am known as Dee Jay Tea.”

The third night, the orange man returned and demanded the gold.

“Is your name Dee Jay Tea?” she asked and smiled.

The old man scrunched up his face, squinted and then burst into a mocking laughter. “Stupid girl, my name is Trumplestiltskin.”

“But I heard you call yourself Dee Jay Tea.”

“That is a song I made up.” He glared and grabbed the gold and the baby. “Besides, I lied. By-the-way, you will be spinning gold for me the rest of your life. It’s in the contract.”

Trumplestiltskin, with his gold and baby girl, lived happily ever after.

The End.

The Little Match Girl

Once upon a time in MAGAland, there lived a young immigrant girl brought here by her parents before she could even speak. She grew up in a loving and caring home, but her family had no money and lived day to day with whatever the members of the family could bring home.

The little girl wanted to help her family so much, that she would go out into the cold each night and try to sell chicklets to passers-by on the street. But nobody bought the little gums and she had no money. She then tried selling bags of oranges, but still no one bought any. Lastly, she got a box of matches and sold each match for a penny.

But still no one bought any. The night grew colder and colder. The little girl was forced to light a match to keep herself warm. But the heat of the match would last only a very short time. Soon, she was down to her very last match. As she lit the final match, she had a vision.

She saw coming her way armed men in uniforms. Her rescuers, she thought. These men are coming to save me. As she started to enter a deep and final sleep, the men picked up the little girl and took her away.

She woke up in a cage with other small children, each speaking a language she did not understand. They gave her a piece of stale bread and a drink of water, but the other children took these away from her.

The men in uniforms then entered the room, opened the cage and motioned her to leave. She was placed into a bus and driven to the airport. There she was loaded onto a jet plane and sent to some Shit-Hole country with a language she never spoke. Later she was released into this place, finding a spot on the corner where she could live on the street and sell her matches.

And the armed men in uniforms lived happily ever after.

The End.

The Shoemaker and the Elves

Once upon a time in MAGAland, there lived a man who made shoes. These were the very best shoes in the land, but the leather was very expensive and his helpers cost him dearly with their salaries, pensions, taxes, health insurance and other expenses. Not to mention the ever increasing rent his greedy landlord charged him for the tiny workshop.

Every night, he would work by himself until late hours crafting his shoes. This way he could avoid paying overtime. But this left him tired, worn out and unable to do anything but sleep for a few hours until he had to begin a new work day.

Late one night, as the shoemaker was asleep at his bench, a group of kindly elves took pity on him. They decided to help make his shoes while he slept. So, the elves grabbed his tools and made wonderful shoes all night long. When he awoke, the shoemaker found his shop filled with shoes even better than the ones he himself made. Because he no longer needed them, he fired all his assistants. He then lowered the price of his shoes and began to sell them like crazy.

Every night, the elves would return to make shoes. The shoemaker had to import foreign leather to keep up with demand. He paid stiff tariffs the Wolf King placed on the leather, but figured he would just pass the costs onto his customers. But his curiosity got the better of him. One night he pretended to sleep, but really hid to observe the elves in action.

He noticed the elves working away in his shop, but he saw their skin was various shades of brown. Being a good MAGAlander, the shoemaker realized the elves must be illegal immigrants and would be out committing crimes when they were done working. He placed a call to the armed men in uniforms, who arrived in a few minutes. They arrested all the elves, who were obviously MS13 gang members, and deported them to hell-hole prisons in Central America.

And the armed men in uniforms lived happily ever after.

The End.

Doctor Knownothing

Once upon a time in MAGAland, a little girl lived beyond her means. She was told by everyone she knew that doctors make a lot of money, so she went to medical school. After she hung up her diploma, she decided that training to be a good physician was a waste of her time. She never even got a medical license. Instead, she learned all about crystals, herbs and magic mushrooms. She used the mushrooms to find her perfect mate, although under the influence of a magic mushroom, a toadstool will look like a prince.

The little girl rejected all the science and research that went behind medical knowledge, the basis for which all other medical doctors derive patient care. She rejected vaccines and began to subscribe to various conspiracy theories dealing with medicine, big pharma and whales in the ocean. She was told about space lasers causing covid and other diseases, but even she saw that was totally ridiculous.

One day, she met the Hookah Smoking Brain Worm while he sat on his magic mushroom. The two instantly realized they had so much in common. They conversed about the latest medical conspiracies. They reveled in decrying the dangers of vaccines. They rejoiced while toasting the benefits of mind-expanding, though illegal, drugs.

After this, The Hookah Smoking Brain Worm recommended Doctor Knownothing to be the highest official medical advisor in MAGAland. Along with other similar thinkers, the health of MAGAlanders was then renamed MAHA. As the MAGAlanders took ill with measles and other preventable diseases, Doctor Knownothing was happier than she’d ever been.

The people of MAGAland lived far shorter than ever before, but at least they thought they were happy.

The End.

Jerk and the Beanstalk

Once upon a time in MAGAland, there lived a poor young farmer boy named Jerk. He was very handsome, a hard-worker and had a winning personality. But he was not very smart. This, of course, meant he had potential to be an advisor to Donald the Wolf King and the Great Man who ruled MAGAland.

One day, his mother sent him to market with their only cow. He was to sell the cow and bring home the money so that she could pay the rent on the farm. Jerk led the cow into the market place and was amazed by all the vendors there. Each one had a booth filled with fine items. Each one offered their wares to him in exchange for the cow. This was very confusing for Jerk, so he decided to sell the cow to the very next person he met.

He spied an old orange man at a booth hawking his wares. He had banners and flags and hats—all proclaiming how great he was. He had piles of guitars, watches, red baseball caps, virtual trading cards, shoes and bibles with exorbitant prices. The man at the booth looked seductively at Jerk’s cow.

“That’s one big, beautiful cow you have there.” The man drooled. “Would you sell her to me?”

“I must bring home money for this cow,” Jerk said. “Or my mother will be angry.”

“I will give you three magic crypto-coins for your cow.” The orange man squinted and grinned.

Jerk took the crypto-coins and gave the man his cow. He returned to his home and proudly displayed the coins to his mother.

“These are worthless, stupid boy!” His mother screamed and tossed the crypto-coins out into the yard. She sent the foolish boy to bed without supper.

During the night, the crypto-coins grew into a great, huuuge beanstalk. The greatest beanstalk that there ever was. Jerk climbed up the stalk, higher and higher until he reached the clouds. There he noticed a big castle and an enormous giant walking around.

Everything in the castle was made of gold. Jerk thought if he could take a little of the gold, he and his mother would be happy forever. So, he grabbed a gold fork nearly long as he was. But the fork was so heavy, it slowed Jerk down and allowed the giant to catch him.

“So, little man,” said the giant. “I hate illegal immigrants like you. You think you can invade my home and steal my gold. Is my daughter safe around you? I will deport you to where you came from.”

The giant dropped Jerk down through a hole in the clouds. He fell a long distance back down to Earth. Sadly, he did not survive the fall.

The orange man and the giant lived happily ever after.

The End.

The Tortoise and the Hair

Once upon a time in MAGAland, there lived a tortoise named Sleepy Joe and a hare named Combover Hair. One day, Combover challenged Sleepy Joe to a race. The finish line was chosen to be a Big Beautiful white house far away in the distance.

Sleepy Joe spent all his efforts talking about solving the problems Combover Hair created the last time he was living in the Big Beautiful house. He mentioned creating jobs, infrastructure, clean energy projects and improving the environment. He talked about controlling diseases with measures approved by respected doctors. He talked about being closer to MAGAland allies rather than making friends with despots and dictators. He talked about helping those less fortunate rather than the very wealthiest MAGAlanders.

Of course, with such naïve and lame ideas such as these, Combover Hair knew that Sleepy Joe didn’t have a snowball's chance in hell to win the race.

While Sleepy Joe plodded on his non-deviating course, Combover Hair ran all over the place. He held rallies to infect his followers with deadly diseases he had dismissed as China Flu. He refused to follow the advice of the doctors and medical people, instead making up his own treatments on the fly. He touted injecting bleach. He touted using ultra-violet rays on all parts of the body. He lied about saying any of these things. He lied about how sick he really was. He even went around without a mask to prove he was immortal. His fans loved all this bravado and asked for more. They loved his lies.

As the race concluded, the support for Combover Hair diminished and he watched from the sidelines as Sleepy Joe edged across the finish line. Normally, this would have been the end of the story and the Fabelist would say, “Slow and steady wins the race”.

But not in MAGAland! Combover Hair claimed the race was fixed. He lied, stating that he, the fast hare, had won the race. He lied, spreading the news that he won and the race was unfair, fraudulent and full of uncounted steps made by Combover Hair. The hare spoke to a crowd assembled in front of him to take down the building where the race results were being officiated. He lied about telling his followers to do this act. This ended poorly, and Combover Hair was forced to go his own way.

The next four years went by quickly. Combover Hair constantly lied and berated Sleepy Joe. He forced his friends to make life miserable for the tortoise. He lied and whipped up his MAGAlanders by poking fun at Sleepy Joe’s job and programs, but refused to come up with plans of his own. He did have concepts of a plan, however. He posed at a fast-food restaurant, in front of a garbage truck and with bibles. He sold all sorts of questionable merchandise to enrich his fortunes. His followers ate this all up. Despite being a convicted criminal, having no gainful work other than grift and being a miserable excuse for a human being, he lied, made impossible promises and convinced a lot of people to help him win the next race.

Of course, the real moral is: If at first you can’t win, then lie, lie again.

The End.

Goldie Boss and the Three Wives

Once upon a time in MAGAland, there lived a Great Man named Goldie Boss. This was because of his luxuriant golden hair and his tendency to fire people. One day, Goldie Boss decided he needed a new office building, so he looked at office buildings for sale. “This one is too old.” He rejected that building. “This one is too new.” And he rejected the second building. “But this one, though expensive, is just right.” He later lost the building to the bank.

He then wanted a casino. “This one is not ostentatious enough.” So, he bought it. “This one is not gaudy enough.” So, he bought it too. “But this one is just tacky enough to bear my name.” So, he bought them all. Later, he filed for bankruptcy and lost all his casinos.

Goldie Boss wanted to have his own reality television show so he could fire real people live on the air. His first show was The Apprentice, which stopped because he wasn’t nasty enough. His second show was Celebrity Apprentice, which stopped because he fired all the A list celebrities. His third reality show was The Trump White House, now in second season reruns.

Goldie Boss took his first wife from a Slavic foreign land. She was tall and blond and gave him three children. Junior Boss was smart, but was rejected because he was too evil. Earache Boss was rejected because he wasn’t very smart or evil. Trumpbelina was his favorite child—smart, beautiful and just evil enough. He wanted to date her, but decided that wasn’t cool. Besides, she was only five inches tall. His first wife was too smart and they divorced.  So, he took wife two.

Wife two was an actress. She was blond and beautiful and gave him one child. Tiff was very smart and stayed out of Goldie Boss’ way and the limelight. He rejected her because there was only one of her and he had nothing for comparison. Wife two was smart and they divorced. So, he took wife three.

Goldie Boss liked tall women from Slavic foreign lands and that was where he found his third wife. But this one had brown hair and was a very cold person. Goldie Boss was happy with his third wife, because she presented him a giant boy. “He’s almost as big as an airplane,” he said. “I like big things!”

She was the smartest of the wives, because she took everything and gave back very little. She also knew when to disappear and have her own life. She knew that if Goldie Boss divorced her, she would become an instant billionaire. This was why he never divorced her.

Goldie Boss and his third wife lived separately ever after.

The End.

Trumpbelina

Once upon a time in MAGAland, there lived a beautiful girl with long, blonde hair. Her father, the Great Man who was the Wolf King of MAGAland, loved her very much. Some say, maybe too much. But though she was perfect to behold, she was only five inches tall. This turned out to be a blessing, because every time her father wanted her, she was so small that she could hide away from him.

One day, while she was playing outside the castle, an enormous, dark-feathered immigrant bird swooped down and carried Trumpbelina away. The bird flew far and wide, but dropped her into a nest full of hungry birdlings. At first, the birdlings looked like they were about to eat her all up. But just in the nick of time, the bird returned to the nest carrying cats and dogs. The birdlings devoured them. “They’re eating the cats and dogs!” said Trumbelina as she climbed out of the nest and down the tree to the ground.

Soon she was chased by an enormous, brown-skinned, immigrant beast covered in gang related tattoos. The beast charged at Trumpbelina, figuring she was going to be his next delicious meal. She ran and ran, escaping into a rabbit hole, just as the beast was about to eat her all up.

Inside the rabbit hole, she encountered an enormous, scary immigrant rat creature that eyed her hungrily. The rat chased Trumpbelina through the maze of rabbit tunnels until she was cornered. Just as the rat was about to eat her all up, she pushed against the wall behind her and fell into the home of a wealthy Jewish Gnome Prince, who was about the same size as she was. The Gnome Prince grabbed a sharp kitchen knife in his hands, and swung it like a sword. He cut off the head of the horrid rat and it died instantly. He rescued Trumpbelina, who hugged him with all her might.

Trumpbelina fell in love with the Gnome Prince because he saved her and was very wealthy. She told her father who let her marry him, even though he was Jewish. “But he is so very wealthy,” the King of MAGAland said. “Maybe I can ignore the Jewish part.”

Trumpbelina and the Gnome Prince lived happily ever after. Well, as happily as a five-inch-tall woman married to a Jewish Gnome Prince could possibly be.

The End.